Healing through depression, with Rachel Gooen

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Welcome to I'm back today, I'm going to have a conversation with

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Rachel Gooen facilitator coach trainer.

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. We are going to discuss today.

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her with depression and also the importance of setting the right

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boundaries, creating the right environment for you to recover and to heal.

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And some advice or best practice on how can you handle

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difficult moment in your life?

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Thank you so much, Rachel, for being here.

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The first question is what means I'm back to you?

Rachel: 00:00:36

Thank you for having me.

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feel really honored to be here.

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And for me, what means I'm back is I can feel as if I want to be

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around people and that I want to express and show everybody who I am

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again and that I'm not letting it.

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Thoughts in my head that have nothing to do with what's

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happening externally affect me.

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as strongly as, as they once did.

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so it's connected to mental health.

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most \definitely.

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You know, it's funny because we, we separate out our mental

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health from our body's health.

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And to me, the mind is just another organ it's not, or the brain.

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is and we've treated it for so long as something.

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Okay.

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Well, if your brain isn't functioning so well, then that means that you are

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not functioning well, and there's a huge stigma around mental health and I

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think one thing that the pandemic, the gift that it gave to us is showing how

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mental health is just as important as physical health and at a time in my

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life previous, where I really was not able to physically be present because

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of what was happening in my brain.

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I like the opportunity now for people to feel okay.

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Talking about it as if it's no big deal as if they broke their

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ankle on an epic adventure.

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When you know, my brain hurt and the responses of that happened because

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I had an epic adventure, but it was an epic adventure of the heart

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. When I was 30, I think I

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I had a tremendous heartbreak I had been with.

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Uh, Man, who I really, for, for seven years that I really

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thought that I was going to marry.

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And My whole identity.

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was I wouldn't say my whole identity, but my heart really was invested in him.

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And it became very clear that this relationship was not going to, to happen.

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I mean, we broke up, we had been trying to make it work and it didn't.

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I had a reaction that

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I did not expect.

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I actually became clinically depressed and I didn't even know it.

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One day I woke up and I called a girlfriend and I said, Hey, can you

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go shopping with me for some clothes?

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Because for some reason, none of my clothes are fitting me.

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And we went to the, you know, to the department store and normally

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I was a size six or eight.

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And I said, well, maybe I'll try a six.

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And she brings me a six and it doesn't fit.

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Well, maybe I'll try a size four.

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She brings me a four, it doesn't fit.

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I was a size zero, and I had been So depressed without really knowing it

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and recognizing it that I had lost so much weight that I was 106 pounds.

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And so to me, the idea of mental health, it's actually physical health as well.

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And it is totally one.

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I happened to be back in graduate school at the time I went back

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to school for social work.

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And you would think that working at a therapy clinic as well as

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being in a educational program that is about people's wellbeing.

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That other people around me would question, Hey, what's going on?

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I noticed that you're losing a lot of weight or you're not as

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happy you're really distracted.

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You can't sit still.

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You're really not as able to take on as much work as you could.

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You don't seem as tolerant.

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To difference than you used to be, but there was none of that.

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And I was, had to really stop and think like what's happening to me.

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And so I confided in my supervisor at work, who was a therapist and he

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said, yeah, I've been watching you.

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I think you're depressed.

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I knew that I, my heart was broken and I knew that I didn't, when I came home

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from work, I didn't want to leave my house, or I felt such heartache and

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pain, but I didn't know that it could make you depressed to the fact, to

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the point where you weren't eating.

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And I knew it.

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I knew that it could happen.

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I didn't know.

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It looked like me because I was going to.

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I was getting my schoolwork done.

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I was showing up at work.

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I could function.

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Right.

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But all the TV commercials were like, if you want to, if you stay in bed

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and you're not getting out of bed, or if you, you know, don't have the

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energy to do the things you love.

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And that wasn't me.

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Like I loved school.

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I loved going to work.

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I just thought that, you know what I thought.

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So it's like if your personal identity changed, but your professional

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identity remain the same, at least for the first period, I think.

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And then what

Rachel: 00:05:44

Yeah.

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As I, as I started to really.

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Except or notice what was happening to me, then my awareness became like,

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oh, I'm afraid to leave my house.

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I began to see how I was really shutting down.

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I started sharing with people what was going on and what

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happened was interesting.

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You know, some of my professors, even though they were therapists or social

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workers, They didn't really care.

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They thought I was like, oh, what, what could have happened in your life?

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Everything was, looks great on the outside.

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And I don't think it's actually socially accepted to think that the severing of

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a relationship is something that can cause someone to become really depressed.

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I think they there's this idea that you have to have been traumatized

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or you have to have some major.

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Major thing.

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But trauma to your hearts when you're, and I know that sounds so silly.

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But it's really about attachment, right?

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Like we are people that feel attached to other people and some

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in law is really the connection.

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And so, I mean, it took a couple, I'd have to say it took me about three

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years to crawl out of depression.

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I had to relearn how to think.

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I had to learn how to not believe everything my mind was telling me.

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So I had what's called an anxious depression, which is like, anxiety is

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really more present than depression.

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And so I had to learn when my body feels numb and tingly or panicky, that's

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just a reaction my body is having.

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And if I can notice it and be with it, I can learn to ride the wave of it.

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And so I had to do a lot of active work.

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As I said, luckily I was at a counseling center.

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Where I worked and I had , my particular supervisor was very gracious.

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My social work program was not as gracious, so I just kind of

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really focused all my attention on my work to get support.

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And then you know, I luckily had supportive family members who,

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you know, after some of my friends were like, What's your problem.

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It's just the, there's a thing.

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So I live in Montana and some of them would say, well, the best way to get

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over a cowboy is to get under a cowboy.

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And that just felt so like nobody knew and understood what I was going.

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Do you think that if their work environment was more ready to

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support you understand you, it could be a little bit different or less to say.

Rachel: 00:08:28

Yeah.

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I think, you know what, and I think if I think about work at that time

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as my graduate program, I think if the professors who really were

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supposed to be about the welfare of people and making safe environments

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if they had been more open-minded even though this is the ironic part.

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Right.

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And I think partly why I wanted to talk about this is that if they could have.

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Been more open to what happens when a person gets depressed and seen it just

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like if somebody breaks their leg and then I think I could have gotten more

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support and that support would have been some accommodations as far as you

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know, verbal support lengthening of time that I needed, to, turn things in.

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Also, it was very hard for me to be in a room of 30 people.

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I I couldn't handle the distractions.

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The, in the sensory input was too much when I was that depressed.

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Which people don't talk about when you're depressed, they think, oh, it's

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just someone feeling bad and they're lumped in the corner, but all, any

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sensory input that comes in is a lot.

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And so there are only one professor who was an outstanding

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therapist in the community.

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I just, I said, I can't sit.

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It's too hard for me to sit.

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I'm going to walk in the back of the room back and forth

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and they want to be present.

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And she said, well, that's okay.

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But other people didn't like that.

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They thought that that was just too distracting.

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Or I would try to knit, or I would try to, I say.

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I can't come.

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Can I give somebody a recording?

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And then I'll listen to it later.

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And I think that, you know, here they were training a bunch of

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professionals to go out in the world and help people and they could have.

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Different and more supportive and understanding.

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And this is really important for me, because it's so hard to be

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open and honest and share with your work environment, what are your needs?

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So what do you think about this?

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For me was the shame, for example,

Rachel: 00:10:35

Yeah, it was very shameful.

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I didn't think I was a person that would get depressed like this, where

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I thought of myself as really strong.

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And here I was training to be someone that helped other people and, and

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I didn't even know what was okay.

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To ask for, for help, because I didn't have a great perspective.

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And when I did finally realize what I needed for help, it, it

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was hard when people said, well, that's really not going to work.

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That's too distracting for other people.

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And so it was like I was missing out.

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I was like, I have to miss out on all of this because it's

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a very simple accommodation.

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You know, So yeah, I think getting the courage up to ask for what you need.

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And then I think also I had to make some choices about what it meant for me.

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How, how do I express who I am and be okay with it?

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Like, I, it was a real identity shift, like, oh, does this mean now?

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I'm a depressed.

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Does this mean that I'm a person that's going to be depressed the rest of my life.

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This is how people are going to see me and is that acceptable?

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And then will this always happen to me whenever anything doesn't work out.

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And so how do I go through, do I have to craft and create a specific life for

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me where, when this happens in know, you know, and, and people weren't.

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Very open to talking about that or even sharing.

Rachel: 00:12:01

Oh yeah.

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That was hard.

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When that happened to me.

Serena: 00:12:04

So something that I'm noticing and starting to having this conversation is

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that we really don't share our stories.

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We really don't share our struggles.

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And you said that you were functioning at work, and I'm wondering how many

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people are functioning well or are successful that are dealing with.

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Some type of personal challenges that we cannot see and it's easy to

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not see because it's more easy to to the notice, these kind of things.

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I'm wondering I was for you, your healing process, especially related to work.

Rachel: 00:12:47

Yeah, it was really, you know, as I said, it, it, it, it

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felt like it took me three years.

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To not be depressed, which as a time, you know, when I saw a doctor and they

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said, do you know, this could take awhile?

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I just thought I can't live like this for three years.

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You know, I can't stand waking up every day and being afraid or feeling like

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I'm not wanting to interact with people.

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You know, I think as far as work, what, what it did for me is it, I turned into

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a rather under a more understanding and compassionate person to the people

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that I worked with to the teammates.

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And I, I wanted to create a new environment for people when they weren't

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feeling great and it made me realize that, you know, how we feel is what

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life is, how we think is what life is.

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And so producing some product for work, whatever that looks

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like, it's really not important.

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But what was more important is, is that people that I

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worked with felt seen in her.

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And that they could contribute.

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And what I found as a supervisor was that if I could, I think the only way

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that I could change things was to be what I wanted someone to be for me.

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And so if I could really be there for someone in a way that they saw

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that, what feelings and thoughts they're having and emotions.

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Quote, unquote are what we are net.

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What we phrase as our mental health is just as important to you being a

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productive person at work or a purposeful person and having a meaningful experience.

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And so I just, I tried to be that to the people that I supervised

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or tried to be that when I, you know, to my teammates or coworkers,

Serena: 00:14:34

do you want to say something to people that are

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listening that are experiencing something similar to your story?

Rachel: 00:14:42

Yeah, I think that's a really interesting thing.

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I think that all of us are walking around with challenges.

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There isn't a single person on this.

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That isn't experiencing some thing.

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And so when you're depressed, you really turn inward on yourself.

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It's like anger turned inward and you have a great ability to beat up yourself.

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And I guess I want to say to someone to go gentle on yourself and to know that.

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You will come out of it and you can create it's up to, you know, it's kinda

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like if you can imagine that you're in a dark forest, but there's a light

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at the end and every little step you take moves you closer to that light.

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And that to do it your way.

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There's no magic out there.

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You can try this medicine or try meditation or try something

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that everyone suggests.

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And I agree.

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Try lots of different things, but don't be beat yourself up.

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If it's not magic.

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It's just every day, a little something and a little something I had created.

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Um, I called it the wall of.

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And, and what I would do is I would put up on there, something that made me

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whole brought me hope, whether it was a beautiful picture that I saw or a word

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that I liked or a poem, or even that one day I might experience whatever.

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And every day I put something up there.

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So that, and that was the only job I had to do that day is that I, I would

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have to put something up on my wall.

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And um, it didn't matter.

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I didn't care what I got to the point where if people didn't understand

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me at work, I was just like, they have a lot of learning to do.

Rachel: 00:16:31

Cause they might be where I'm at one.

Serena: 00:16:34

yes.

Serena: 00:16:35

And it's so true that sooner or later, sooner or later, everyone

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will experience something.

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And.

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I have the impression that we are not ready as a society.

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I mean, or as a work environment, of course we are never ready as a person

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. I really want to see this wall of hopes.

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It's so powerful for me to hear that I'm going to try to do it to myself.

Serena: 00:17:01

Thank you so much.

Serena: 00:17:04

For sharing your story.

Rachel: 00:17:06

Oh, thank you for giving me the opportunity.

Rachel: 00:17:09

You know, it's not something that I talk about much and it's

Rachel: 00:17:12

definitely something that for a long time, I felt shame shamed of.

Rachel: 00:17:16

And I recently went through a divorce and I got, I was so worried that the

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same thing was going to happen now.

Rachel: 00:17:23

Oh no, I'm going to get depressed again.

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And I think because of that first experience, I knew I didn't get depressed.

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I think part of it was as I, I had grown, I had set up different support systems.

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I had learned different boundaries.

Rachel: 00:17:39

I had learned a different way of thinking from the first experience.

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And so I think it, I think our adverse experiences really can help us grow

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and can really help us in the future.

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We just see the world differently.

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That second time, you know, you just start to see the world differently.

Serena: 00:17:57

Thank you so much.

Rachel: 00:17:58

Thank you.

Rachel: 00:17:59

Thank you.

Serena: 00:18:00

thank you so much for listening.

Serena: 00:18:01

I'm really grateful to Rachel.

Serena: 00:18:04

If you want to have more information about Rachel, you can go on their

Serena: 00:18:10

websiteserenheart.com you will find the link in the description.

Serena: 00:18:15

And you will find also the links , to discover more the work of Rachel.

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Please share this conversation with friends that needs to hear

Serena: 00:18:25

this conversation right now, and please be back for the next time.